Twilight - Review

Finally, I can say, I've seen it. *sigh*

After almost 2 years of its release, I finally saw Twilight on television courtesy, Star Movies. Girls don't make that :O face, ask the boys who're reading this post, they'd agree that no self respecting, level headed, "straight" guy has wasted his money to watch this movie on the giant screen. Unless, he took his girlfriend or was dragged by his wife to watch it. In either case the said guy creature has walked ut of that door with the big green EXIT symbol, utterly disappointed. Why you'd ask? - well that's because if he has taken his girlfriend to the movie, she ummm...saw the movie ONLY; and if his wife has dragged him, then...well that's self explanatory.
I'm one of those fortunate souls who was spared of this misery.
Anyways, so I watched it on television and it was a disaster as expected.
Now don't look at me and ask, why did I watch the movie? Okay, go ahead, you can ask. Well, the reason being, whenever I tell any girl "oh that's a hideous movie!" She'd turn back and ask, "How do you know, you haven't even seen it. Have you?"

So today, I finally decided to go through that mental torcher to tell all the chicks that...

Ha, see now I got you by your tails. Wait, that's not your tail...oops sorry.
Now, let me also add insult/abuse to injury by describing it to your algae textured tiny lil brains, why I hated it?

Here it goes... So, the story basically starts when this semi-cute chick Isabella (henceforth described as Bella) moves to this new town called Fork which is actually a cross between a windows' meadows wallpaper and Sleepy Hollow. She takes admission into this new high school where a bone complexioned pervert guy - Edward, starts stalking her. At this point, you can also make a note of the fact that his acting skills are slightly better than a reindeer and his face is as expressive as a stone.

Then there are scenes of them doing timepass in some lab with a microscope & Edward talking to Bella around the lockers as confidently as a dork & so on...

Moving on, they both get talking and the same old story good girl-falls-for-the-bad-guy shit, happens. Bella gets especially impressed when a black "yo momma" dude, trying to do drift his pickup truck almost runs into Bella. Almost - that's because Edward (from across the parking lot, or so Bella claims) jumps right in front of her and stops the pickup with his left hand crushing the side front door panel. (man, those panels are costly :/ ) That's Twilight equivalent of Peter Parker saving Mary Jane's lunch with his quick reflexes.

After getting bored of Edward's broken pickup lines, Bella just thinks of poking him on facebook but sadly he's not there. So, she watches some good ol' porn and googles stuff randomly
Okay I made that up, some of it. But, yeah she does google stuff about blood sucking vampires and by some logic not known to mankind links a homicide that happened in their town to google links and Edwards color-changing eyes and figures out that Edward is infact a Vampire. *tadaa*

At this point of time, you're probably bored of this post and wanna leave it, but I suggest you hang on as there's some hot romance coming up.

Moving on. Bella counters Edwards and he accepts he is indeed a "guilty as charged" Vampire. She tells him that she loves him and he takes her for a ride. Okay, not that ride you pervert, but a real one. Asks her to sit on his back (yes with her clothes on) and zooms to the top of the mountain to show her how his skin sparkles in sunlight thanks to a new facepack & body scrub (available only for the Vampires).
Impressed, she tells him how she want to be with him forever. All in the name of a facepack & a body scrub?? Women, I tell you!!

In between, like a typical Indian middle class family style, Edward explains how he's a strict vegetarian in Vampire terms, i.e., he only drink animal's blood. And boy, was she glad? Meaning, if he turns non-veg, she'll be his first meal. To me that sounded like a vegan falling in love with a pig & kissing her too. :-S
Which reminds me, he apprehensively kisses her once (and once in the end) & that's about it.
Also, he introduces her to his vegan family where a couple of recently converted vegans figures out she'd be an awesome delight to cook, but still they curb their desires for Edward. At this point, we feel sorry for the family for all these sacrifices that they're making. This'll remind you of the Adams Family, but slightly less realistic.

After a couple of days, the Adams Family, Cullen family all of a sudden gets all recreational and decided to have a game of baseball. This was the only part, that'll be of lil interest to any dude, relatively speaking, that's cause it looked more like Shaolin Soccer with Baseball.
Just when they seemed to be having fun, few (3 to be specific) nonveg Vampires arrive and like a new neighborhood kid asked "You mind if we join you? Pleeejjjj..."  In the mean time, the diehard  nonvegetarian - James, smells his food and tries to pounce on Bella. As a result, rivalries take place and from here you can almost guess it all.

Then, the usual merry-go-round, hunt/protection for Bella commences. The bad guy, James pretends to have Bella's mother in captivity and forces her to come out of her cave and meet him at the said location without informing the Cullen family, Police, CIA, FBI, Interpol or Scotland Yard.

Finally, Bella goes to meet James to free her mother with her blood as ransom only to find that he was bluffing. Must say, if he was bothered he'd make millions in Poker. But till the time she realised the setup, it was too late and after a little swearing, crying and pepper spraying, James gets to take the first bite. Just then Edward arrives, takes in charge of the situation and with help from his family kills James. RIP.
But, the venom from vampire bite was spreading into Bella and only way Edward could save her was by sucking it all out from the same wound which he did. Which, technically means that Edward and James smooched, indirectly...ewwww...gross. :-S

Finally Bella got well with a broken leg piece and they lived happily ever after. Actually, only Edward lived "ever after", IMO Bella died few decades later; unless she too was converted to Vampirism which remains to be seen in another equally pathetic sequel. :P

All in all, this movie was nothing but a boring conglomerate of several interesting blockbusters put together just to show everyone HOW CAN A VAMPIRE & A HUMAN INTERBREED?!?!

VERDICT: I'll give this movie one middle finger out of five. :P

P.S. Nothing against gay, I specifically mentioned straight in first para (now don't scroll up to read again) only because I know chicks and gays fantasize this Edward guy.
Apologies, for promising hot romance in between. I lied because I wanted you guys to read through the post. Nothing ever happened in the movie. Even the lips barely spread a couple of times, let alone the legs.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsiblity

First of all let me clarify, I think we all got off on a wrong foot here. Most of the people who've already read my other posts think that I just blog about random, shitty, unnecessary, stupid stuff. So, I just thought of writing this post and showing it to everyone that I do & can take sense; and CAN give useful advice like others.

This post is for all those who're low on confidence and who think that they're pathetic-filthy-good-for-nothing-slimy-pests-on-the-face-of-this-earth. Incase, you're not one such creature then let me save you some time and inform you in advance that this post will do no good for you. You needn't waste your time reading it and this thing IS infact pointless like you thought it would be.

Back to pests. You see, you guys ain't that pathetic, you all are actually quite responsible people. Infact, each one of you (and if I think harder, I guess I too) is responsible; unless you happen to be a 3 year old or a serial killer serving your life sentence, in which case you don't have access to the internet and you're not reading this. Implies, each one of you IS infact responsible. Wait, where was I?

Nevermind, so now the question arises, how come each and everyone of you is responsible? - Well, that's because...
1. The very fact that you've made an attempt to better your lives by reading this post.
2. You ain't serving a life sentence for killing anyone.

Point #2 is of utmost importance. You see, all of us has the power to kill. Look around, every single object around us can be used as a weapon to kill someone, but we don't. That implies, we're responsible enough to take care of our actions (wipe the blood stains from the floor, if it goes out of hand).

If you're a working professional reading this from your office, look around, look at that pen on the desk; you can totally use it to stab your boss, but you don't. Partly cause, you don't want him to die such a painless death. Anyways whatever the reason, still you don't.

Incase, you're a student follow these steps:
1. Copy paste the above paragraph.
2. Replace office with school/college.
3. Replace boss with teacher/professor/principal.
4. You got my point.
Exception: If you're a student and you still didn't get my point, congrats you're a geek. :P

And if you're a housewife, take a look at that knife and tell me what comes to your mind first? If its a cabbage, congrats you're responsible. But, if blood come to your mind, sorry to say you need psychiatric help. If neither of it comes to your mind then sorry to say your family needs a cook. Right now.

But in case, you're neither a working professional nor a student or a housewife and still reading this then I'd propose you stop wasting your time on forwarded links these and go look for a job.

Most of you can drive a car or ride a bike. Say, a mentally blind person all of a sudden jumps in front of your vehicle, what do you do? You brake. - RESPONSIBILITY

At times you see a jerk standing at the edge of a cliff/bridge trying to be a hero. You can totally push his ear lobe with your pinky and he'd go supermanning over the edge BUT you don't do it. - RESPONSIBILITY

The same holds true with the use rather lack of mis-use of  a hammer, screwdriver, stapler, chopsticks & a toothpick. - RESPONSIBILITY, RESPONSIBILITY, RESPONSIBILITY, RESPONSIBILITIES & RESPONSIBILITY, respectively.

Responsibility is not only in not killing but also saving a life. Start with your own, charity begins at home. You could be powerful enough to overpower yourself and get yourself killed, but should be responsible enough to know that it might hurt and hence should not be done.

I guess at the end of this post, I would've enlightened you with these 4 things -

IndiBloggers meetup

There's every chance that by now, you've already read atleast half a dozen blogs on this topic... if not I seriously hope you stop living under that rock.

Anyways, so it had to happen at Burj Al Arab but since this is not happening at Dubai and given Mumbai's traffic situation it finally happened at Hotel Sea Princess, Mumbai.
(please don't put that lame joke that came to your mind about how its easier to fly to Dubai than traverse through Mumbai traffic, in the comments section. Thanks.)
Well, Sea Princess isn't that bad either...they have 2.57 stars less than Burj Al Arab but they have parking for 2 wheelers which is perfect for me...atleast my bike won't be towed.

So, I reached the hotel, parked my bike & entered the lift after receiving a not-so-pleasant "you again? :|" kinda stare from the doorman. Second floor Regal Room (or so I think its called) was pretty nice, although few cheer leader won't have hurt either.

Few guys in black tee were blocking the way and before I could figure out, they asked me to move to left and register myself.
Mental thoughts - "Register? Again? Are you nuts? I've already done that? :|"
Just then a very cute girl with a cuter smile asked me to enter my email id. :)
Mental thoughts - " that's easy. I can do that. You sure you only need mail id? With a smile like that, I can even give you my password."
Well I obliged.

So then over the course of time, more people started pouring in and every ass took a seat. In the mean time, I glanced over to the tables where meal would be served and realised that it'll be enough to end a hungry strike. My resting ass was infact restless and as I was sitting next to the girl in white saree...devil thoughts had to take over. Glanced over to the furtherest end of the room and saw this giant screen on which live "#indimum" tweets were projected.
And so I humbly tweeted... "Bazingaaaaa.... This tweet doesn't say anything, just wanted to see my name on the big screen. :P"

5 mins later glanced over to my left and saw Ms. Safedi ki chamkaar playing Farmville on her laptop. I couldn't resist tweeting this achievement on the big screen but unfortunately for her by then there was some un-technical problem and next time the site refreshed, my tweet went way down the screen to be visible.

In between all this bullshit, Mr. Time did its job pretty well of running away and finally at exactly 2pm IST, that's around 14.32.537 hrs...the meet started. One of the Indiblogger guys started with the usual "welcome-we're-excited-to-be-here-blah-blah" stuff that you've already read on other blogs. Not to forget he had this very heavy Banglorean Accent which is equivalent to Monotype Corsiva in Oral Sense.

After telling us how much they hate each other, finally BigRock people presented a not-so-boring ummm...presentation.
Oh ya, they're the same guys who gave us freaking cool, creative and yet slightly erotic freebies.

I mean, look at this...

How creative one has to be to come up with a dildo that can write? Awesome na? Sorry ladies, I know this is gross but hey, no one complained while they were distributing it.

And now, looks at this thing...

Believe it or not, this thing write in the color of refined poo.

This alongwith semi-hilarious ppt slides takes the cake for the most entertaining presentation for the evening cause the only other ppt guys were HP blokes who showed their latest look-I'm-so-bored-of-lying-around-I'll-even-print-your-mails Printer.

Then came the part for which everyone was waiting for - *drum rolls* 29 seconds of fame *drum rolls*
At first, it was going to be *violins* 69seconds of fame *violins* but then it tickled a one too many funny bone so finally they discounted 40seconds, down to 29.

Some actually went for the glory giving their Oscar Speech for a duration that almost seemed like 1.7 seconds short of eternity while some played their best Black Jack hand and kept it below 21.
And all this just to win a year long .com domain...huh, what loosers! :P

Here are the top five though (not necessarily in that order)...

"I failed my tenth standard and flew off to Italy to fall in love with a 60 year old painter. But then he died and I went to Russia and got into a scam so I moved to Himachal and have been living there as a yogi. Hello everyone I'm a story-teller." 

"I used to blog on philosophy and life, also love stories but then I got dumped. Now I blog only on programming and software development."

"I didn't blog for 1.5yrs and I attained IndiRank 1...and I thought wow, that's awesome. After a while Vineeth met me and when I told him that I'm the best, I'm no.1; he told me its not a rank its percentile, 1 is the have to reach to 100 to be the best."

''I have two kids and three blogs.''

"I'm a Man Utd supported so boo to you *Arsenal fan* and you *Liverpool fan* I blog about serious things such as 10 reasons why you should not rape your maid, etc."  - These were the famous words quoted by yours truly. *smug* :P

Done with the introductions, now it was back biting/bitching time. Yes, that's what they meant when they said... "okay so hang this piece of paper around your neck towards the back side and let people write whatever they want."

I had a few very interesting things writing on my backpaper as well...

"write something serious like 10things to know before raping a maid"  << How would I know?

"how about 10things to do in a loo?"   << You're scaring me now. Sorry, I'm not like 'that'. :-S

"Your intro scared me"  << Who's wrote this?

"the Scandali-ser @_alps "  << :-S

"1 reason why Shiney Ahuja needs to read your blog @gkamblogs "  << Who's Shiney Ahuja? 

"Bee! Aye, (now) I know why! @shrikant "  <<  Really? oops! :O  

"Plz dont be a father"  <<  Sorry no other option, can't be a mother. :/

"you are a lot like me - "  <<  Really nice of you to say that. It touched my belly button.

"Fuck Off"   <<  Someone please tell me who the fuck wrote these nice words? Takes the cake.

While people were busy, scribbling my back I managed to catch a few half-sandwiches and a chocolate cookie as others cribbed about the tasteless coffee.

And now...may I present to you the one and only Gul Panag. *cord strike*
I know till now I didn't mention her, cause I wanted people to read the post atleast till this point cause from here on half the readers (who came at the meet) are gonna rush away to tweet her "Was great meeting you!!" for the 74th time.
Apart from the usual "can I click a picture with you" excited fan, also saw many "showbiz wannabes" crowding her expecting to leave an impression and get some favors which was a lil lame. :P
Anyways, so Gul was there and we didn't speak much...rather at all. We even came & left separately pretending to barely know each other. Didn't even pose together for clicks so that nobody spread any rumors or sense anything. She was looking gorgeous as always in that checkered top which I never gifted....hope everything's clear now.

By the way, she also moderated a discussion thingy which ended up in more questions and many more bursting bladders. Details of which can be obtained from other sane posts which you must've already read. (I'm still bothered with some of you living under the rock thing.)

It all ended with a special first ever preview of Soch Lo for the bloggers which was something that I'd like to describe as INTERESTING. At the end of 10min preview more than a few females crowded the writer/director/actor guy, who some thought was hot. Good for them.

What followed can only be described as "This is what I came for!!!" - The T-shirt Ceremony. Yes, after being promised at the start of the meet that we won't be given any tees, the Indiblogger team finally gave into cries, howls, abuses and obliged.

Finally the Sea Princess people got tired of keeping the lights and airconditioning ON. We thought we should leave the poor guys alone and head to the real life, and so we did.

Must say, it was one crappy meet. I mean think of it, they could've kept it on  Saturday, 14th August or next weekend 21st/22nd August... but no, they absolutely had to keep it on 15th, so that if anybody asks for liquor they can deny saying "sorry buddy, its a dry day." Bloody cheapsters. 
Anyways, its their loss, if people can give such rocking intros as sober, think what all could've happened had it been a liquor-flowing, beer guzzling, getting sloshed day? 
Okay fine, I enjoyed and it rocked. There I said it, happy now?
 P.S. Some names I should mention else they'd assassinate me...

Anubha - She still hasn't treated me for something. :(
Rati - We hate each other. :P
Hardik - He was the only guy at IndiMum, I've known personally before I met him online. 
Netra - She thinks we're distant relatives, nonsense. :P

Sorry, can't take everybody's name. Blogpost says, its running out of server space. :/