Twilight - Review

Finally, I can say, I've seen it. *sigh*

After almost 2 years of its release, I finally saw Twilight on television courtesy, Star Movies. Girls don't make that :O face, ask the boys who're reading this post, they'd agree that no self respecting, level headed, "straight" guy has wasted his money to watch this movie on the giant screen. Unless, he took his girlfriend or was dragged by his wife to watch it. In either case the said guy creature has walked ut of that door with the big green EXIT symbol, utterly disappointed. Why you'd ask? - well that's because if he has taken his girlfriend to the movie, she ummm...saw the movie ONLY; and if his wife has dragged him, then...well that's self explanatory.
I'm one of those fortunate souls who was spared of this misery.
Anyways, so I watched it on television and it was a disaster as expected.
Now don't look at me and ask, why did I watch the movie? Okay, go ahead, you can ask. Well, the reason being, whenever I tell any girl "oh that's a hideous movie!" She'd turn back and ask, "How do you know, you haven't even seen it. Have you?"

So today, I finally decided to go through that mental torcher to tell all the chicks that...

Ha, see now I got you by your tails. Wait, that's not your tail...oops sorry.
Now, let me also add insult/abuse to injury by describing it to your algae textured tiny lil brains, why I hated it?

Here it goes... So, the story basically starts when this semi-cute chick Isabella (henceforth described as Bella) moves to this new town called Fork which is actually a cross between a windows' meadows wallpaper and Sleepy Hollow. She takes admission into this new high school where a bone complexioned pervert guy - Edward, starts stalking her. At this point, you can also make a note of the fact that his acting skills are slightly better than a reindeer and his face is as expressive as a stone.

Then there are scenes of them doing timepass in some lab with a microscope & Edward talking to Bella around the lockers as confidently as a dork & so on...

Moving on, they both get talking and the same old story good girl-falls-for-the-bad-guy shit, happens. Bella gets especially impressed when a black "yo momma" dude, trying to do drift his pickup truck almost runs into Bella. Almost - that's because Edward (from across the parking lot, or so Bella claims) jumps right in front of her and stops the pickup with his left hand crushing the side front door panel. (man, those panels are costly :/ ) That's Twilight equivalent of Peter Parker saving Mary Jane's lunch with his quick reflexes.

After getting bored of Edward's broken pickup lines, Bella just thinks of poking him on facebook but sadly he's not there. So, she watches some good ol' porn and googles stuff randomly
Okay I made that up, some of it. But, yeah she does google stuff about blood sucking vampires and by some logic not known to mankind links a homicide that happened in their town to google links and Edwards color-changing eyes and figures out that Edward is infact a Vampire. *tadaa*

At this point of time, you're probably bored of this post and wanna leave it, but I suggest you hang on as there's some hot romance coming up.

Moving on. Bella counters Edwards and he accepts he is indeed a "guilty as charged" Vampire. She tells him that she loves him and he takes her for a ride. Okay, not that ride you pervert, but a real one. Asks her to sit on his back (yes with her clothes on) and zooms to the top of the mountain to show her how his skin sparkles in sunlight thanks to a new facepack & body scrub (available only for the Vampires).
Impressed, she tells him how she want to be with him forever. All in the name of a facepack & a body scrub?? Women, I tell you!!

In between, like a typical Indian middle class family style, Edward explains how he's a strict vegetarian in Vampire terms, i.e., he only drink animal's blood. And boy, was she glad? Meaning, if he turns non-veg, she'll be his first meal. To me that sounded like a vegan falling in love with a pig & kissing her too. :-S
Which reminds me, he apprehensively kisses her once (and once in the end) & that's about it.
Also, he introduces her to his vegan family where a couple of recently converted vegans figures out she'd be an awesome delight to cook, but still they curb their desires for Edward. At this point, we feel sorry for the family for all these sacrifices that they're making. This'll remind you of the Adams Family, but slightly less realistic.

After a couple of days, the Adams Family, Cullen family all of a sudden gets all recreational and decided to have a game of baseball. This was the only part, that'll be of lil interest to any dude, relatively speaking, that's cause it looked more like Shaolin Soccer with Baseball.
Just when they seemed to be having fun, few (3 to be specific) nonveg Vampires arrive and like a new neighborhood kid asked "You mind if we join you? Pleeejjjj..."  In the mean time, the diehard  nonvegetarian - James, smells his food and tries to pounce on Bella. As a result, rivalries take place and from here you can almost guess it all.

Then, the usual merry-go-round, hunt/protection for Bella commences. The bad guy, James pretends to have Bella's mother in captivity and forces her to come out of her cave and meet him at the said location without informing the Cullen family, Police, CIA, FBI, Interpol or Scotland Yard.

Finally, Bella goes to meet James to free her mother with her blood as ransom only to find that he was bluffing. Must say, if he was bothered he'd make millions in Poker. But till the time she realised the setup, it was too late and after a little swearing, crying and pepper spraying, James gets to take the first bite. Just then Edward arrives, takes in charge of the situation and with help from his family kills James. RIP.
But, the venom from vampire bite was spreading into Bella and only way Edward could save her was by sucking it all out from the same wound which he did. Which, technically means that Edward and James smooched, indirectly...ewwww...gross. :-S

Finally Bella got well with a broken leg piece and they lived happily ever after. Actually, only Edward lived "ever after", IMO Bella died few decades later; unless she too was converted to Vampirism which remains to be seen in another equally pathetic sequel. :P

All in all, this movie was nothing but a boring conglomerate of several interesting blockbusters put together just to show everyone HOW CAN A VAMPIRE & A HUMAN INTERBREED?!?!

VERDICT: I'll give this movie one middle finger out of five. :P

P.S. Nothing against gay, I specifically mentioned straight in first para (now don't scroll up to read again) only because I know chicks and gays fantasize this Edward guy.
Apologies, for promising hot romance in between. I lied because I wanted you guys to read through the post. Nothing ever happened in the movie. Even the lips barely spread a couple of times, let alone the legs.


Azad said...

"But, the venom from vampire bite was spreading into Bella and only way Edward could save her was by sucking it all out from the same wound which he did. "
This reminds me of old 'Nag-Nagin' movies where a snake bite's only cure was if the hero sucked the 'zeher' out before it could spread..!

U had to watch the movie, i (due to some cosmic conspiracy of stars or similar mumbo-jumbo) had to read the book!
Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand - and you've got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward's appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression "Edward's perfect face," and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color - even his goddamn breath (I'm not joking! Read these lines somewhere and it perfectly fitted the bill!).
Every other chick on this planet seems to be in love with that blood-sucking psycho monster!! %^&#$%^&*

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Phoenix said...

@Azad... Thank you the comment. Glad you liked it.

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