Ignite Mumbai 2

Firstly, this post is a bit late. Generally, people start writing a blog post about any event/meetup/concert within 83 seconds after visiting it. I've exceeded those 83 seconds a lil bit....by 7...errr...days. Heck, who cares, no one's gonna read it anyways. In any case, you're reading this, I do feel sorry for you.

Anyways, so this was the second edition of Ignite Mumbai which I attended for the first time. Incase, you dunno what Ignite Mumbai, you can check out their website. Or continue reading. Or do both.

So, the second edition of Ignite Mumbai was held this place which aptly describes the state of mind of everyone who doesn't know what Ignite is - WTF.

*Don't kill me for copying this pic from Ignite Mumbai's facebook page.

And according to the some of the attendees, the place should be modestly called BC-WTF-MC, due to it's strategic location which many of them found a little less than simple to reach. Like one Mr. Vishal, who kept on collecting murderous stares whenever he told the fullform of WTF to everyone whom he asked the location who asked him in return, "What does WTF stand for? We might be able to help you."

Nonetheless, its DoubleU Tee Eff for now.

Ignite as you might expect was a concept first started in some American city, famed for mistakenly welding a space ship on top of a pole. At Ignite, you can talk about anything you like, but should be accompanied by a low quality presentation consisting of 20 slides each of which will shift their ass in 15 seconds. Ignite people like to smartly describe it as "T20 of presentations and geeky fun", while I'd lamely describe it as "Ppts on weed."

While, Vishal was making his way through the death wishes and chanting the venue name like some urban slur, I managed to find few tweeps ( Rushikesh, Sampath & Navin) to strike a conversation with, not before sitting like a dodo for few minutes.

After a while saw a pretty girl waving at me from a distance. I looked away thinking she's waving to someone behind me, apparently it was Snigdha whom I didn't recognize from the distance who was infact hi-ing to me. Sorry Snigdha, my bad. This is exactly what happens, when you're not habituated to beautiful girls coming upto you and saying hi.

Also, happened to meet Ritika, Mohit & Harmanjit over there. But the most interesting person has to be, Aviraj's grandfather. As our table was right in front of the screen, he came to us and politely asked, like a thorough gentleman, if he can join us. I had the pleasure of exchanging few words with him before the whole thing started. The 82 year old (if I'm not wrong) gentleman firstly asked us, if we (young people) would be comfortable sitting with an old man? It was our pleasure to have him there amongst us. The ex-journalist told us that he likes being around youngsters and loves to find out new things (like Ignite) that we come up with. That was a learned, experienced and a highly respected man telling us that he has great confidence in us - the today's generation and according to him, we'd do wonders in coming years. Thank you sir, we'll do our best to live upto your expectations. Love your attitude and your thoughts, salute!

Just then, the faulty mic got warmed up and the speakers started presenting their work in something that can be best described as techno. 

There were about 8 speakers, or 9. Don't remember 'em all though. 

Here are some excerpts from the pep talk.

Life is About Getting to the Hill-Station – Arjun Nair 

Arjun started the thing with a snapshot of a long winding road comparing destiny/goal as the hill station and life as the journey. According to my calculations, he used about 3.2 quintal metaphors. I think Yoda takes his inspiration from Arjun's slides.

God is Back. And How! – Rohan Babu

Rohan spoke something about God and inspiration and faith and God and something. In words of Chamatkari Baba all he heard was "blah, blah, something, Fuck you god, something, blah...".

Well, one of the characters in Rohan's ppt did say "Fuck you god" only to have his faith restored later on or something like that. 

According to a tweet by someone who's more knowledgeable than most of us, "Rohan Babu is more than fluent,he's a tongue on steroids.Too fast 4 listeners to ponder over his xtraaaa philosophical points.."

Nonetheless, good talk for those who're more spiritually inclined.

There Once Was a Man – Ashtiaq Dalton

All I can say about Ashtiaq is that his presentation was a collection of horny 4 liners. 

P.S. Mr. Dalton, if you're reading this, do post your quartet or whatever its technically called in the comments section or direct us to the blog/scribd page where you've published it (in case).

Pimp my Rickshaw Ride! – Achint Parekh

Achint was greeted with loud cheers from many ladies as he grabbed the mike. I'd like to believe they all were his rakhi sisters if not cousins. This guy turned out to the Dilip Chhabaria of rickshaw union. He showed ways in which a boring rickshaw can be made more fun (incase, you still haven't figured that out from the title).

Design Fascinates Me – Ayush Saran

Ayush seemed to be a guy who's more artistically blessed than I am. He spoke about designs - good, bad, ugly and some really interesting ones. One of the points he made was that one should be creative enough to design your original designs (there wasn't any other way I could put it) and not to copy it from others; else you'll end up being an adivasi tribe on some island in Pacific.

Surviving the Shopping Trip – Rohan Joseph

I think we all should laud Rohan for taking up this sensitive topic, something that's almost a taboo to be spoken about out in open. It was really bold of him to discuss how to deal with a shopping trip with girlfriemd, without caring about the fact that he shunned any and all chance of getting laid again without paying for it. Bravo!

Whatever! – Sudeshna Das

Memory lapse on my part is what best describes this one. Don't think, it was forgettable one but I'm somehow having a hard time recalling this one. Maybe I was busying tweeting or maybe it was just that - whatever. Still, I'm sure Sudeshna did a great job in it.

Making Pasta Like a PRO – Shaheen Peerbhai

Everyone who hogged like ummm hoggers after the meet can actually blame Shaheen and those delicious pasta pics in her presentation. Some dumb heads failed to understand that her presentation was never meant to color an autorickshaw OR teach you how not to stare at lingerie section while shopping with your girl OR how to write horny poems. It was about food. And the reason many found this one lil' less interesting is because the previous presentations had set a LMAOing tone. Had this one been the first presentation, it would've fetched a much better response which it rightly deserved. You go girl!

Being Bawi – Mahafreed Irani

Mahafreed was truly the icing on the cake. She went to some length to describe how Parsi community may very well become the Dinosaur of 21st century. They're actually an endangered species and everything is being done to increase the population of their race. The sad part is, everything is being done by the oldies which is kinda pointless (pun intended).

Funnily, every Parsi I can name, is either an oldie (Ratan Tata) or a hot VJ (Ramona, Nauheed, Shehnaz) getting married outside their race. I didn't name Cyrus considering he's now adopted by a family of goats.

All in all, Ignite Mumbai was fun but at the end of the meet you ask to yourself... "hmm..now what?" As in, what's the purpose of this? Is this just to get rid of your stage fear, to be able to make better presentations, to give someone a chance to write horny poems, to bid goodbye before extinction, for some social cause, to make better pastas, to encourage us to use google maps to find a difficult location OR just for fun?? Just for fun, is something that according to me, somehow doesn't add up in the equation.

Only time will tell, how things take shape from here. Till then, have fun!

What if women ruled the earth? - Part 1

Q. What if women ruled the earth?

A. Blackberry Boys would be replaced by Strawberry Girls.

Even the famous Blackberry Boys jingle would be rewritten.

In a world run by men....

We wear cool suits

We wear shiny Shoes

We’re the Blackberry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the Blackberry Boys

We’re special, we’re clever

We’re very very clever

We’re the Blackberry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the Blackberry Boys

We do chat

and we do mail

We do surf

We do all on the move

Oooo, ooo, ooo, hoooo

Cos We’re the Blackberry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the Blackberry Boys

Na na na

We’re the Blackberry Boys

Oh yeah

We’re the Blackberry Boys

  

In a world run by women... 

We wear cool clothes

We wear shiny gloss
We’re the Strawberry Girls
Oh yeah
We’re the Strawberry Girls
We’re hot, we’re sexy
We’re very very lazy
We’re the Strawberry Girls
Oh yeah
We’re the Strawberry Girls
We do gossip
and we do bitching
We do makeup
We do all on the move
Oooo, ooo, ooo, hoooo
Cos We’re the Strawberry Girls
Oh yeah
We’re the Strawberry Girls
Na na na
We’re the Strawberry Girls
Oh yeah
We’re the Strawberry Girls

Here's the video. Guys, I dare you to sing it with new lyrics.

If any guy actually manages to sing the new lyrics perfectly in sync with the video...go get yourself a butterfly tattoo on your belly next to that pierced belly button. NOW.

*Disclaimer: Girls you know I still love you all, right? This post was probably posted when my account was hacked or maybe when I was stoned. Either ways, it wasn't me. ;)

Theory of Karma

According to Oxford English Dictionary

KARMA

noun (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as affecting their future fate.

- DERIVATIVES karmic adjective.

- ORIGIN Sanskrit, "action, effect, fate".


According to Wikipedia
Karma (Sanskrit: Karma, - "act, action, performance") is the concept of "action" or "deed" in Indian religions understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called sa%u1E43sara) originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Sikh and Buddhist philosophies.

Different theories of Karma

THEORY 1 : This is the most wide spread theory rooted inside everyone's psyche, that your actions and your deeds determine what you get in return. As quoted in a popular English saying

AS YOU SOW,
SO YOU REAP!

THEORY 2 : I would like to call this one as, "THE CARRY FORWARD THEORY".

The way you've lead your past life based on that the blessings/luck/favor are determined for this life.

THEORY 3 : The good & bad deeds that you've performed in this life gets you into either heaven or hell after your death.

THEORY 1

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!

From our childhood we have learnt that whatever we do to others, good or bad, we receive the same treatment in return. We always receive the fruits of our labour in this life only. If we hurt or betray someone, we receive the same treatment in return. If we help an old lady by carrying her groceries, we would surely be rewarded at some point time for that good deed. Sure, its always nice to be ummm...nice.

But...
Do you seriously think that is true?

Yes???

Okay, lets have a closer look.

• Contradiction 1.1 : So, have you every used the words, "hard luck", "oh, that was really unlucky" or "luckily, he got the job" ???
  So, then, if LUCK too plays an important role in getting you a job or making you miss the train by a few seconds because of bad traffic on the way to the station; then how come karma which is supposed to be the "core of life" let luck interfere in its personal matters.
  
  
• Contradiction 1.2 : Now, lets switch our attention to something else, something which every damn human being wants to achieve after he's done and dusted i.e. the heaven (or hell in certain cases).
  Every religion, may it be Hinduism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism or any other religion, all have one thing in common, actually its two...heaven and hell.
  
  I don't understand that if we get the fruits of our deeds (good or bad) here only, on the earth itself than on what basis will we be going to heaven/hell after our death? No government (except for the Taliban) or court of law gives two punishments for the same crime. This is in direct contradiction to theory no. 3.
  
  
• Contradiction 1.3 : But, what about theory no. 2? Well, well, well... there can't be a greater contradiction between two theories (except for the theory of gravity and earth sucks theory) than the one found between theories 1 & 2. Now, if you carry forward your sins/deeds from your past life and based on that you get the ripe or rotten fruits in this one, then how come the karma or should I say 'instant karma' (the one pertaining to this life exclusively) actually exist?

THEORY 2

CARRY FORWARD THEORY

According to this theory, the sins I did in the past life will screw up this life and the good deed of the previous life would make me be that envy-of-all / born-with-silver-spoon / million-dollar-baby from the day I was born.

Well, that explains some being born with blue blood while the rest of us trying to make those extra few dollars here & there by bloging and adding Google ads on the right hand column.

• Contradiction 2.1 : But, if this is true than what about the widely accepted "Instant Karma" Theory? If this theory is true than how would you explain some one born in poverty and living the same way for the rest of his life inspite of being completely honest while some one else lives a very luxurious & extravagant life even if he's a drug mafia, hit man or a terrorist?
  But, this is in direct contradiction with theory 1 and infers contradiction 1.3, that there is something apart from karma that determines whether you are born as a slum dog or a jet setter.
  
  
• Contradiction 2.2 : If theory 2 is accepted then it directly eliminates any remote possibility of the existence of heaven & hell i.e. theory 3. A person won't be serving his time in heaven or hell simply because he will be doing it in his next life. In other words, as soon as a person dies, a complex calculation is done about the deeds he acted upon in his life and based on that, after a while at the very next possibility he is born in a form and life closest to his resulting average character, back on the face of the earth (i.e. if you don't consider the aliens) or maybe somewhere in the universe (i.e. if you do consider them).

THEORY 3

THE JUDGMENT DAY THEORY

As far as I know all the religions in the world believe that there are 3 worlds, namely; the earth, the heaven and the hell. Now, in order to determine whether you'll be going to serve your sentence in heaven or hell, this is what is done. Once you're dead, a simple arithmetic is done, between your good and bad deeds.

Say, you've done 40% sins and 60% virtues in your lifetime; you will be having 60-40 = 20% virtues to your name. Now, multiply the average virtues to those 20%. Say, your average virtues were 10 vpd (virtues per day), for a period of 50 years, then your time in heaven would be 20 * 10 * 365 = 73,000 heaven units*.

Lets say, if it's the other way around. 40% virtues and 60% sins with an average of 5 spd (sins per day), for 50 years, you'd be serving in hell a total of 20 * 5 * 365 = 36,500 hell units*.

• Contradiction 3.1 : If theory 3 holds true then there is no point bothering about the instant karma. Whatever it is, good or bad; we would be receiving it after our death in heaven or hell. That completely falsifies theory 1.
  
  
• Contradiction 3.2 : If theory 3 is true then why would we get hurt or why would something bad happen to us? Anyways, our soul would be getting the punishments for any wrong doing upstairs then why should we suffer in the human form too? One might argue that as the sins of the other person, but in anyway, that is inflicted upon us which cannot be completely justified by theory 3.
  
  
• Contradiction 3.3 : Also, if the past life's deeds have any say in the current one then we can completely abolish the existence of and serving in heaven and hell, inferring contradiction 2.2
  

* hell units/heaven units can be anything like seconds, minutes, hours, days, months or years; depending upon the guidelines laid by the hell or heaven master respectively.

Deeds - Subjective or Objective?

You see there are 2 types way of judging any competition or sport or else anything else, that can get you some kind of reward.

1. Objective
   
2. Subjective

Objective is something that can be counted. A reward is based on a clear cut set guidelines which earn points on achieving certain objective. Say, a Formula 1 race, it has objective results. The first person to finish the race is the winner, even for that matter he has the worst looking car....it doesn't insignificant. This rule is standard all over the world. Thus, we all love objective type of ruling and judgments, simply because of its fairness.

On the other hand, subjective judgment, varies from person to person. A beauty pageant can be called as subjective. Different judges would be having a different winner in his/her mind. The collective points of these judges would give an average lead to one of the competitors and thus crowned the winner. But, such subjective judgments are often criticized for being biased or unfair at times in view of someone or the other.

I could've easily omitted the above 2 paragraphs and would've saved you from the misery of reading it, but I still went ahead and wrote it, just to make you feel a bit disinterested only to bring your interest back in the next paragraphs and surprise you!!! :)

Or maybe not... :-S

Anyways, so since we are thorough with the concept of beauty pageants subjective and objective judgment lets move forward and find out whether deeds are subjective or objective.

Well, logic says that the deeds need to be objective in order to derive a proper and unbiased result for subjective out comes!!!

But here, the logic would be DEFIED...

Yes, its true, deeds ARE subjective. Let us take a minute and switch our attention to something else...SOUL

It is said that....

A body can die, soul can't.

The soul is not big or small...from the smallest insect to a microbe to a human being, they're all equal.

Well well well, what do we have here....ALL SOULS ARE EQUAL ?!?!?!?!

Let's grill this statement further and look for more evidences....shall we? :)

Okay, so all the souls are equal. Whether its a human being, a platypus or a tadpole...all have equal souls. So, that directly translates as....killing a mosquito is the same as murdering someone on the streets. Only difference here would be, that the mosquito would be flying and the person walking. If souls are equal, then why do people consider killing a person a lot more sinful than killing a mosquito? Shan't we understand that its just the body that is different in size, but the soul's not. It remains the same and will always be, may it be for a blue whale or a bacteria.

Could that mean, that getting rid of an ant's nest in your backyard is equivalent to a massacre of a hundred thousand people? Or is there something more to it?

Of course, there is.

How can we forget that deeds ARE subjective and so killing a living organism (read a soul) is different for different living beings based on their size. From our childhood we have been taught that all souls are equal at the same time it was engraved into our minds that killing an ant is not a big deal but killing the neighbor's dog..surely is.

So, is it possible that killing an ant would earn you 2 sin points (that would be later converted to sins in percentage on the judgment day as explained in theory 3) while killing a human would earn something like 2500 sin points and a blue whale maybe 43,000 sin points?

So, I think it would be be safe to say that even though we've been taught that the soul doesn't have shape, size or structure and that all the souls are equal, still they are discriminated based on the shape, size and structure of the body they acquire in visible form.

Also, a conclusion could be drawn that, doesn't matter how objective and justified the structure or calculating deeds may look like, it still is very much subjective and unjustified.

Doesn't matter how conscious we are of our rights, we are still pretty much unconscious of the very thing that we should be conscious of i.e. our after life conclusion architecture.
We might calculate and fight for those redeemable brownie points that we earn after the Christmas shopping or we might keep a track of the no. of credit miles we have left on our petro card, but ironically, we are completely illiterate about the calculations of the no. of miles that we would be covering on the most important journey of our soul i.e. our after life journey.

GHOSTS/SPIRITS

"Let me tell you a story to chill the bones
About a thing that I saw
One night wandering in the everglades
I'd one drink but no more

I was rambling, enjoying the bright moonlight
Gazing up at the stars
Not aware of a presence so near to me
Watching my every move..."

- Dance Of Death
Iron Maiden

The above excerpt are not just lyrics but something that took place last night. After writing the first few paragraphs till "Deeds - Subjective or Objective", I went out next day and then what took place is depicted in the above lines. I met a ghost who...
Before telling you the events of last night let me that this opportunity and tell you that, ghosts these days have become really smart and technologically advanced. They actually surf net and read stuffs written around and in some cases comments to. Well, I know that because, that's exactly what that ghost told me. He said that, he was online other day and read this blog and had a few questions for me. Here's how our conversation went... 
GHOST : "Hey there..."
AUTHOR : "Hi. Who are you? And why are you translucent?"
GHOST : "I am Mr. G."
AUTHOR : "Mr. G? What's that supposed to mean? G-spot...(laughs)"
GHOST : "(laughs) I always knew you're funny, could make that out from you blog. Actually it's G for ghost. People often freak out when I say that I'm ghost, therefore, I introduce myself as Mr. G."
AUTHOR : "(freaks out) Youuuuu....w...w...w...what?"
MR G. : "(smug) See!!! Just like that."
AUTHOR : "(still freaked) Ghost...And when did you read my blog?"
MR G. : "Late last night. But, I have some questions."
AUTHOR : "(scared and confused) What question? And do you guys read that stuff? Don't you just h(a)unt at nights"
MR G. : "Nopes. Not anymore."
AUTHOR : "Why not?"
MR G. : "Recession, you see (smiles)"
AUTHOR : "Recession? How come it affect you guys? (saying to himself) I must be really high right now. A ghost hit by recession? :phew: It can't be possible...no ways!!!"
MR G. : "(laughs)No, you're not high and you're not imagining either. and please don't say 'ghost', it hurts. Call me Mr. G. You see, during recession, people don't go out for late night drives, so we don't get our daily dose of people haunt. And also there are many unemployed people (read investment bankers), committing suicides so the competition is also increasing."
AUTHOR : "Man, that's terrible. So what you guys do now?"
MR G. : "Didn't I just tell you. We get online, chat, surf, read blogs and stuff. And that's when I came across yours...and..."
AUTHOR : "(scared)And? And what....?"
MR G. : "And wanted to ask you...what about us?"
AUTHOR : "(confused)What about you?"
MR G. : "Well, you've mentioned people, animals, heaven, earth, in short, just about everything but us. If you consider either theory 2 & 3 then we, would never get the fruits of our labor that we did in the past life."
AUTHOR : "Oops...!!!"
MR G. : "(angry)Oops??? Is that all, you're gonna say?"
AUTHOR : "(shaken)Well. I dunno what to say or do."
MR G. : "Give us a fair trail, that's what you can do."
AUTHOR : "How? There's nothing in my hand. I presented the 3 theories of karma just to show their contradictions. I don't make the rules."
MR G. : "If we don't make the transition from one life to the other then how are going to get the fruits of our labor? We are neither going to the next life nor we are getting to do our gig at the heaven/hell, then how are we supposed to get what we deserve"
AUTHOR : "Well. I think in that case you'll have to ask the God, maybe."
MR G. : "Well, if he was ready to negotiate with us in the first place, then we wouldn't be lying here in this state in the middle of nowhere."
AUTHOR : "Hmmm...that's true!"
MR G. : "(with a sad face)Of course, it is."
AUTHOR : "Don't be sad, dude. There must be a way out."
MR G. : "No, there isn't (and start crying)"
AUTHOR : "Hey, please don't cry."
MR G. : "(tears)It's been so long can't even remember must be 40-50 years"
AUTHOR : "I can understand"
MR G. : "No, you can't you're not haunted. You're sober!!!"
AUTHOR : "(thinks for sometime) Ya maybe. Can I do something to make you feel better except for bending over?"
MR G. : "Ya, just write about me on your lens. And dude, please not you...I am straight (frowns)"
AUTHOR : "(sighs) Me too!!! And now for heaven's sake or rather graveyard's sake, just stop being so emotional. Be a man damn it or for that matter a ghost or whatever it is that you are!!!"
MR G. : "All right, I'm good now. Thanks. So long pal"
AUTHOR : "Adios!!!"

I am sure that Mr. G must be reading this from his Apple iDeath laptop while listening to some death rock on his Apple iGrave player and smiling right now. But on a serious note, what about those souls, who've parted from this world but never made it to the other one upstairs or made the u-turn back here???


Don't they deserve a fair trial too?

Finally, I think it would be safe to say that we don't really know how Karma works if at all it exists in the first place, but all we can do is follow our heart and be a better human being without thinking about how full/empty is the barrel that holds our good/bad deeds.

P.S. : If you feel that you've already this one, then you very well possibly have. This is the first blog post I ever wrote. I thought of putting it here as many people know this site so thought of sharing with everyone over where. You can still find the original post over here.

3G Life

There's too much buzz going around these days about 3G mobile technology coming to Indian shores and all. But, I still can't seem to forget how humbly it all started. No, I'm not talking about Mr. Bell, I'm talking about how the mobile phones were once projected as something only a person capable of buying a Mercedes could afford it. I still remember that day when my father was riding me to school and on the way, I saw a man talking on a mobile phone for the first time and thought "Wow...that guy must be really loaded. The day I could afford a mobile phone, I'd consider myself to be rich." Those were the days when an outgoing would cost you as much as Rs. 16 per minute & Rs. 14 per minute for incoming.

Not sure, if everyone has vivid memories of how & when they saw mobile phone for the first time but I'm sure everyone still remembers having child like excitement on beating someone else's top score in a humble game of Snake.

We all have come a long way since then...but now, what next?

The answer is...

3G Life.

So, what is this 3G?

Unless you're above the age of 43 or living under a rock, you'd already be knowing what 3G actually is. In either case, I don't need to tell you about 3G; as at that age there's no way, you'd not know what 3G actually means and still manage to find a link to his blog (unless you happen to glance over your son's shoulder when he's reading this blog) nor it's possible to get an ISP to provide net connection under that rock your living currently, Heck, I'll still explain it anyways. So, it's basically 3rd Generation Mobile which will provide you a host of features which you can't even think of, or maybe you can. And no, it doesn't mean Gorilla Gangs of Guatemala.

Video Calling

Video Calling is something homo sapiens have fantasized ever since they made the first cave painting. Tata Docomo has finally made that dream come true for Mr. Neanderthal with 3G.

Apart from Mr. Neanderthal asking his wife, which tree she'd like him to climb, there a bunch of other random things that you and me can do via Video Calling.

So, its proven 3G spreads love, salvages relationships & reduces the number of break ups. In other words,

3G is a Cupid's insurance policy.

For those of you, who don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend...you can use 3G more wisely like this fellow here.

Mobile TV

Have you ever felt that you have a one too less television sets in your house?

Have you ever been dragged to a boring weeding of your mother's cousin's younger brother's father-in-law's neighbor's nephew's tailor's son?

Do you often find yourself fighting with your mother, sister, wife and/or maid (if you're a female, read father, brother, husband and/or milkman) for controlling the remote control?

If you answer YES to one, two, three or all of the above questions then look no further; 3G is all you require.

Don't believe what I'm saying, listen to what this guy over here has to say...

Remote Surveillance

When on a vacation, how many times have you felt that... "Did I switch all the light off?", "Have I closed that tap properly?", "Did I put the toilet seat down?", "Have I locked that porn movie folder in C drive after watching it last night?", "Was the front door properly locked?" ??

 If such questions bother you, then 3G is THE thing for you. All you need to do is to put up a prison rivaling surveillance cameras in your house and connect the thing with internet and bham!!! You can monitor and check your couch, utensils, pillow, toilet paper and everything in between right from your mobile phone.

This is exactly what this guy has in mind. Well, not exactly, but, more or less.

High Speed Data Transfer

The biggest problem in our country is that everything runs/works/happens with breakneck speed; that includes traffic, internet speeds, infrastructure projects, legal matters as well as getting a certification saying the said person has left this planet, Amen.  And with breakneck speed I mean, nothing gets done till you get frustrated and break someone's neck or vice versa.

But with 3G, that's gonna change. You'll no longer age between page visits. You will no longer grow a child by the time a movie gets downloaded. No longer will you spend doing the chores around the house by the time your new DP gets uploaded. Never again you'll weave a mattress till a 3min youtube video gets buffered.

Video On Demand

Wouldn't it be great if you could record the live cricket match and then watch it laters when you're free, unless you happen to be as lucky as this fellow who has all the time in world to watch it, possibly even in 3D?

What would you do if you're tired and sleepy and can't stay up for that late night Barcaleno match, as you'll be having a semi important presentation next day? Just record it and watch it next day or just demand it as & when you need it. Yes, you CAN demand your favorite football game, k-serial, Miss Universe or that particular episode of Koffee with Karan that you missed while boozing with your friends at the bar.

Video Gaming

Now, thanks to 3G, gaming is not just geek forte. Everyone, can now get a piece of the uber cool gaming industry. Now you can drive a Formula Car, diffuse a nuclear bomb, shake a leg Elvis style, save the world from zoombies & much more...all thanks to Tata Docomo's 3G Life. And what more, you do compete against that 8year old kid from Tokyo who considers himself a Gaming God. So, are you ready to kick some Japanese ass?

Apart from these cliche advantages, there are many other individual specific benefits too...

Don't trust me? Check out for yourself.

E-schooling

Staying in touch with specially gifted people

Rural India connectivity

Traffucked? Not anymore

Reduces Corruption

Makes you spiritual

Make you go crazy

So now you see, how excited this universe is about 3G? Infact, so exicted were the blokes at Indiblogger that while putting up the Tata Docomo banner on their site, they got all teary eyed out of excitement and the anxiety of a cheap 3G plan made their fingers tremble so much that at first they got the contest end date a lil wrong. 

But worry not, a cold shower and half a dozen pints later they realized their silliness and changed the end date from 5th August to 5th November.

So, what are you waiting for? Go get yourself a Tata Docomo 3G connection, now.

STATUTORY WARNING: This blog is strictly written in public interest. Well, actually it's written for this contest but I'd like to consider that it's written in public interest as I'll not only be competing for this contest but also imparting knowledge, making the sponsors of this contest happy and the blokes at Indiblogger a bit richer. All the proceeding from the prize money will go towards protection of mankind as I won't go crazy and kill the judges and voters for not winning some mollah. So if you're registered user of Indiblogger, I'd request you to vote for ME inorder to keep my violence in check.

P.S. The twitter images shown in this blog have all been a part of the #My3GLife # tag, that was launched by Tata Docomo as a part of an online competition, hence, I'd like to thank Tata Docomo and all the participants for the same. Or not.

Why Indian Toilet is better than Western Toilet?

People who have Italian marbles, Jacuzzi  & luxurious bath fittings often look down on those who have simple Indian toilets & not "stand-up" English Toilet. Today, let us ponder on the reasons why Indian toilets are better than their English counterparts and laugh at their faces & toilet papers. :P

Here are 10 reasons, why Indian Pot is much much much better than the Western Paradigm...

1. Better digestion

When you sit in the position that you do, your whole digestive system is being pressed hence the food gets churned, down to the last ounce giving you a more uniform slurry, as a result you get a much cleaner stomach.

2. No long queues

You see, the Indian toilet was designed by the same guys who engineered the Great Pyramids, built the Rome & drew Nazca lines. They had great know-how about architecture as well as human anatomy and various other fairly uninteresting things like building a giant 3D triangle on top of someone's grave, et al. They used this knowledge and made this ingenious design where you have to sit in squat position, giving just enough time to make you get your things done but not long enough to take a newspaper and read it all day long while others in the queue are holding their bowels. By the time the small bucket next to you gets filled up, you're feet will be starved of oxygen and you'll be compelled to finish the job at hand soon. 

Although, there have been reports of few seasoned players who sit through the excruciating pain and soon enough, they can't feel their feet and experience levitation, but those are truly exceptional cases.

3. Leg workout

As mentioned above, some people who've managed to live through the pain have actually never had any knee/calf/leg muscle related issues. On the contrary, some have even managed to make our country proud. (point in case, P. T. Usha) :P

4. No unwanted NRI relatives.

We all know how irritating it is, when that irritating cousin from New York or that baldy uncle from London drops by and stay for weeks at end, just cause only YOU of all the relatives happen to have his favorite "English" toilet. You can do away with all of this trouble by swapping the good 'ol English toilet with a brand new Indian one.

5. Keeps you Humble.

You'll never have any sort of attitude, as even during your Nirvana moments, you'll always stay down to earth.

6. Protects the wild life.

Yes, its a fact. Wild life love Indian toilets. Here's why?

India Toilet = No English Toilet = No Toilet Paper = No Cutting of Trees = Green Forest cover = Thriving Wildlife

7. Look & Feel.

A toilet paper or a water spray can never replace the human touch.

8. Platform Independence.

Geeks will understand this one better. Indian Toilets are not platform dependent. You need not always have a pot under your ass. On road trips and during emergencies, your body will subconsciously take 'that' shape (at the side of the road, on railway tracks, at the edge of a cliff or by the river) and before you know, you would've relieved yourself from the cluthes of your kidney. This is not possible in case of English Toilets.

9. UnPeek-A-Booable

As the Indian Pot doesn't provide any sort of stool like base for one to stand up on it, hence in public restrooms, it's near impossible for someone is the adjoining confines stand up and spy on you when you're at your innocent best. 

10. Fun

Let's face it, it's a lot more fun. The grown ups too get a chance to be so close to the ground without being embarrassed. :P

UPDATE: This blog made it to the list of "Must read" blogs of the week on BlogAdda's Spicy Saturday Picks - Sept. 25 '10: http://bit.ly/I91qg7. 

ALL

HAIL!

Ramzan Trail

If you happen to be in Mumbai and a nonveg worshiper or a bicurious (with bicurious I mean, someone who's curious about veg as well as nonveg delicacies), you have to, I mean absofuckinlutely have to visit Mohammed Ali Road atleast once during the holy month of Ramzan. It's almost like a ritual for nonveg lovers.

So, after the Mohd. Ali Road plan getting screwed up multiple times, our stomachs did a round table conference for full 127seconds and finally decided to go there on Wednesday night (about 4 days before Eid).

I'll start from the time when I reached Grant Road Station as Miillee (ex Miss Safedi ki Chamkar from Indibloggers meetup) suggested that its nearer to MAR (Mohd. Ali Road) compared to Churchgate. Guess she was correct, or maybe not. Anyways, so she being a sweet girl that she is (not), she reached before time. She had told me that she's bringing her sister alongwith, which was one of the rare good news I heard from her in a long time. So, I being a gentleman came perfectly on time at 8.30ish. Apparently, we both were looking for some cash and so decided to meetup at this particular ATM. I walked towards the said place and there she was, standing in blue jeans, bluish top & a turquoise umbrella with FRILLS. :O

Knowing the kinda nice guy I am, Miilee never bothered to introduce me to her sister, Janhavi and so I had to introduced myself with casual hi-hello. Since the girls came before me, they utilized the time well by using the ATM and it was my turn now. Apparently, the ATM was already occupied by a fat lady who was taking more time to take the cash out then it would take for you to read this crap that I've written. At this point I thought of going and telling her that since she's taking so long, she can take out some cash for me as well. My bad, she heard my loud mental thoughts and rushed out. Anyways, so after taking out the cash & knowing the per capital income of Dharavi in the form of my bank balance, we took a cab and headed towards MAR. In the cab, a very genuine and formal discussion took place between me and Jahanvi as to why we both think that Miilee is a "blonde".

In a while we reached some place leading upto MAR and owing to the smooth traffic, we decided to leave the Cab and walk with half a million other people towards MAR to meet all the other guys who were waiting for us. Finally, we reached Suleiman Mithaiwala and met Ranjeet (the man-in-charge), Rajesh (the guy with the car), Mohit (a typical engineer. *hi5*) & Harmanjit (the guy who thought he was duped, as he was the first & only one to reach at one point of time). :P

From there Mr. Ranjeet took the charge and informed that, we'll be starting our food endeavor not from this tourist place where all the amateurs eat but from this other place called Baarahandi or something, which is less crowded and where all the pros hog. Sounded like a plan. Indeed it was. Walked through the traffic for a while and reached at this quite looking lane where a couple of food joints were visible. Ranjeet told us that this where we'll start bothering our collective digestive systems and so we obliged.

Anyone who's even partially aware about having food at road side stalls know that the sensitivity of your tastebuds is directly proportion to your distance from the drainage. Okay, please stop making those weird faces and be honest, we all know the source of water in which they cook those delicacies and honestly speaking, the "water" adds a peculiar flavor without which it'll taste just like our home food (healthy & tasteless). :P

Anyways, so the same thing happened to me. At baara handi we ordered Paya Soup, Nalli nihari & but ofcourse Baara Handi. While everyone else were indulging in the food I could barely taste let alone smell it, only to realize that I was sitting at the furtherest end of the table barely a chair away from the drainage opening. :-S I somehow tried to squeeze myself towards the inside of the table and away from the coverless drainage opening and literally buried my nose (well, almost) thrice into the food and finally jump started my taste buds. Baara handi simply means 12 bowls. It consists of 12 different types of curries whose taste I can't describe it to you, as my tongue was hibernating at that time. Then I tried Nalli nihari which is basically the thigh bone according to Ranjeet. They told me, its tasty but what I ate was certainly a thigh bone of a leprosy patient. At this point of time, Mohit told us a creepy story about his childhood. When his mom used to make Nalli nihari, he'd eat the meat off the bone and use thigh bone as straw to drink the curry. Wow, now that'll make any schizophrenic bone collector proud. :| Though I tasted Paaya Soup, I'm not the right person to tell you, how it tastes? I'm not a soup person, so it's better you try it out yourself.

After that funny experience, as we were about to move, it started pouring. So all the wise men (baring me ofcourse) decided to give their valueable belongings like wallet, mobile phone & Rajesh's bone shattering Blackberry to Miilee as she was the only one who had a big bag and a bigger umbrella (with FRILLS).

Just 25 yards later we saw this place....

...and couldn't resist sitting by the hot grill in crazy rain. We had 3 different types of chicken - green, white & saffron colored; which was aptly named Chicken Tiranga. I, being a chicken enthusiast hogged onto it till everyone stood up from their seats making me look like an Ethiopian drought victim.

Just then Ranjeet announced that its time for all of us to bid adieu to the lane of pros and head back to the more famous, tourist lane for more food. This post is already too long, so without boring you guys (those, you've managed to read this far without fainting, sleeping or killing themselves) with the route that we passed by and the number of steps we took, I'll direct take to the destination.

*Cut to the famous lane on MAR where most people hog.*

Our food guide, Ranjeet ordered couple of Khichdas. For those wondering, what it is? It's basically Khichdi on steroids. In other words you can say, it's the nonveg loving hubby of Khichidi ben. :P

Since 6 of us were sharing 2 Khichdas, I never got the actual meat piece which is the essence of it and so my opinion towards Khichdi, Khichda & their kids is indifferent as far. In the middle of all this Miilee drank all the remaining liquid from the bowl showing us what a Khichda sucking pest she is. I know, you could've lived your life without reading that line, but it was such a nice phrase that I had coined for Miilee at that time,  that I couldn't resist putting it here. :P (Sorry Miilee. *hi5* Jahnvi)

Following which we went to the next lane to a downmarket restaurant as we thought it was a bit too filthy to sit outside, only to come and sit outside a minute later for reasons yet not known to mankind & me.

While Ranjeet was still busy outside, trying to figure out where else we can eat. The rest of us thought of ordering a couple of things just so that we're allowed to sit in  the wet chairs instead of standing in the rains. So, we ordered Chicken 65 which strangely had only 15 pieces. No kidding. :/

Also, the manager thought that it'll be cute if he'd order half-cooked Kheeri for us. To add to the misery, when asked for green chutney, he gave us a Chlorine based flourescent green pesticide. Impressive!

These is the second of the two pics I could take before which my cellphone battery passed out.

After tasting some Chlorine, we had a genuinely genius idea of learning about a goat's anatomy by tasting its different organs. Hence, we moved to a food stall next door and had Bheja Fry (yes its actually a dish and not just a lingo that Harmanjit thinks it to be), Gurda Fry Masala (after putting the goat on dialysis) & Kaleji (cut a goat's heart out, add salt & masala & fry it. Basically its the same thing that your exes have done to you).

By the time, we finished our goat, our media friends Abhinn, Anil, Subhashish & Prasanth had arrived with their colleagues . Much to their horror, we were almost done by then and so they had to hog on their own without any help from us. And while they were at it, we made ourselves diabetes prone by heading over to Noorani Mithaiwala. Everyone  outside of me had Lassi and I being a non-sweet-toothed creature, tasted Malpua as if obliging. Huh, lucky them! :P

After this we all unanimously agreed that we shouldn't have anything more else the blog post will become harrowingly long and so we headed home. The contents of what happened after leaving MAR till we reached home would not be disclosed by any of us, as agreed upon. :P


Note: The font colors are not just for show or to keep the readers anchored to the blog, they automatically appears as I write the name of any food item, representing the ideal color of that delicacy.

Twilight - Review

Finally, I can say, I've seen it. *sigh*

After almost 2 years of its release, I finally saw Twilight on television courtesy, Star Movies. Girls don't make that :O face, ask the boys who're reading this post, they'd agree that no self respecting, level headed, "straight" guy has wasted his money to watch this movie on the giant screen. Unless, he took his girlfriend or was dragged by his wife to watch it. In either case the said guy creature has walked ut of that door with the big green EXIT symbol, utterly disappointed. Why you'd ask? - well that's because if he has taken his girlfriend to the movie, she ummm...saw the movie ONLY; and if his wife has dragged him, then...well that's self explanatory.

I'm one of those fortunate souls who was spared of this misery.

Anyways, so I watched it on television and it was a disaster as expected.

Now don't look at me and ask, why did I watch the movie? Okay, go ahead, you can ask. Well, the reason being, whenever I tell any girl "oh that's a hideous movie!" She'd turn back and ask, "How do you know, you haven't even seen it. Have you?"

So today, I finally decided to go through that mental torcher to tell all the chicks that...

"YES I'VE SEEN TWILIGHT AND ITS HIDEOUS!!!" 

Ha, see now I got you by your tails. Wait, that's not your tail...oops sorry.

Now, let me also add insult/abuse to injury by describing it to your algae textured tiny lil brains, why I hated it?

Here it goes... So, the story basically starts when this semi-cute chick Isabella (henceforth described as Bella) moves to this new town called Fork which is actually a cross between a windows' meadows wallpaper and Sleepy Hollow. She takes admission into this new high school where a bone complexioned pervert guy - Edward, starts stalking her. At this point, you can also make a note of the fact that his acting skills are slightly better than a reindeer and his face is as expressive as a stone.

Then there are scenes of them doing timepass in some lab with a microscope & Edward talking to Bella around the lockers as confidently as a dork & so on...

Moving on, they both get talking and the same old story good girl-falls-for-the-bad-guy shit, happens. Bella gets especially impressed when a black "yo momma" dude, trying to do drift his pickup truck almost runs into Bella. Almost - that's because Edward (from across the parking lot, or so Bella claims) jumps right in front of her and stops the pickup with his left hand crushing the side front door panel. (man, those panels are costly :/ ) That's Twilight equivalent of Peter Parker saving Mary Jane's lunch with his quick reflexes.

After getting bored of Edward's broken pickup lines, Bella just thinks of poking him on facebook but sadly he's not there. So, she watches some good ol' porn and googles stuff randomly

Okay I made that up, some of it. But, yeah she does google stuff about blood sucking vampires and by some logic not known to mankind links a homicide that happened in their town to google links and Edwards color-changing eyes and figures out that Edward is infact a Vampire. *tadaa*

At this point of time, you're probably bored of this post and wanna leave it, but I suggest you hang on as there's some hot romance coming up.

Moving on. Bella counters Edwards and he accepts he is indeed a "guilty as charged" Vampire. She tells him that she loves him and he takes her for a ride. Okay, not that ride you pervert, but a real one. Asks her to sit on his back (yes with her clothes on) and zooms to the top of the mountain to show her how his skin sparkles in sunlight thanks to a new facepack & body scrub (available only for the Vampires).

Impressed, she tells him how she want to be with him forever. All in the name of a facepack & a body scrub?? Women, I tell you!!

In between, like a typical Indian middle class family style, Edward explains how he's a strict vegetarian in Vampire terms, i.e., he only drink animal's blood. And boy, was she glad? Meaning, if he turns non-veg, she'll be his first meal. To me that sounded like a vegan falling in love with a pig & kissing her too. :-S

Which reminds me, he apprehensively kisses her once (and once in the end) & that's about it.

Also, he introduces her to his vegan family where a couple of recently converted vegans figures out she'd be an awesome delight to cook, but still they curb their desires for Edward. At this point, we feel sorry for the family for all these sacrifices that they're making. This'll remind you of the Adams Family, but slightly less realistic.

After a couple of days, the Adams Family, Cullen family all of a sudden gets all recreational and decided to have a game of baseball. This was the only part, that'll be of lil interest to any dude, relatively speaking, that's cause it looked more like Shaolin Soccer with Baseball.

Just when they seemed to be having fun, few (3 to be specific) nonveg Vampires arrive and like a new neighborhood kid asked "You mind if we join you? Pleeejjjj..."  In the mean time, the diehard  nonvegetarian - James, smells his food and tries to pounce on Bella. As a result, rivalries take place and from here you can almost guess it all.

Then, the usual merry-go-round, hunt/protection for Bella commences. The bad guy, James pretends to have Bella's mother in captivity and forces her to come out of her cave and meet him at the said location without informing the Cullen family, Police, CIA, FBI, Interpol or Scotland Yard.

Finally, Bella goes to meet James to free her mother with her blood as ransom only to find that he was bluffing. Must say, if he was bothered he'd make millions in Poker. But till the time she realised the setup, it was too late and after a little swearing, crying and pepper spraying, James gets to take the first bite. Just then Edward arrives, takes in charge of the situation and with help from his family kills James. RIP.

But, the venom from vampire bite was spreading into Bella and only way Edward could save her was by sucking it all out from the same wound which he did. Which, technically means that Edward and James smooched, indirectly...ewwww...gross. :-S

Finally Bella got well with a broken leg piece and they lived happily ever after. Actually, only Edward lived "ever after", IMO Bella died few decades later; unless she too was converted to Vampirism which remains to be seen in another equally pathetic sequel. :P

All in all, this movie was nothing but a boring conglomerate of several interesting blockbusters put together just to show everyone HOW CAN A VAMPIRE & A HUMAN INTERBREED?!?!

VERDICT: I'll give this movie one middle finger out of five. :P

P.S. Nothing against gay, I specifically mentioned straight in first para (now don't scroll up to read again) only because I know chicks and gays fantasize this Edward guy.

Apologies, for promising hot romance in between. I lied because I wanted you guys to read through the post. Nothing ever happened in the movie. Even the lips barely spread a couple of times, let alone the legs.